Reimagining Masculinity: Black, Queer and Free
In our societies, there is an expectation on how we are supposed to act while expressing ourselves as men. This includes how we present ourselves to others. As a Black queer man I have had to “be what it is expected” of me in many situations. Knowing who I am, as well as my worthiness, has been the key to my surviv- al and remains a priceless gift. We are not put here to make others feel comfortable with us. I have felt that as a Black gay man, I was put here to evoke change, teach acceptance and love for all people.
Masculinity is spread throughout our neighborhoods, families, and workplaces. Yet, how we deal with it or “give it a pass” when it rears its ugly head from a toxic perspective is another story. Often the images presented to us in the media can become the norm if we allow it. The images I saw as a young Black boy were the stereotypical images seen in the media — the Marlboro Man and the occasional person of color in a magazine.
The only man I had ever seen with a “man bag” was a performance on Soul Train with Al Green, now known as the Reverend Al Green. He wore leather shorts, boots to match, and a shoulder bag with a level of masculinity that made me smile and want to go out and get his latest record. I want- ed one of those bags because to me it showed me a level of masculinity that I had not seen, but it opened the door to my keen sense of fashion.
Not allowing myself to live in a box is who I am today. Luckily, music was very influential to me in those days. Sylvester James, Jr. soon became an essential idol, and to this day, I don’t believe there is anyone who can hit those falsetto notes like I did in my bedroom.You see, I was a boy who didn’t play with trucks or cars. I was more into shopping with my mother and my record player.
Not allowing myself to live in a box is who I am today.
This was questioned by some, but not my parents — they knew I was different and that was OK. The arts were my thing. I loved music, movies, fashion, teen magazines and DJ-ing. Music was my salvation! Still is… Prince appeared and my world changed. I never felt that he had a problem embracing his femininity nor masculinity —it appeared to be intertwined within the man.
I wanted to be him because criticism did not stop him. But because I grew up in rural Georgia as a Black boy, I felt that I could not allow my femininity to be seen or noticed in public because it was not openly accepted at that time. One of my first experiences of toxic masculinity in my life appeared in my choices for potential love interests. In the 80s, I did not want to be viewed as just a gay man nor was I sure this was how I wanted to identify at the time.
I had heard the comments and seen how others who were gay (or believed to be gay) experienced, and I was not there at the time. I could dish out verbal sparring with the best of them, but I was not going to be OK with the ribbing I would have had to endure so I butched it up as best I could.
To be honest, as a veteran, my masculinity was questioned at times by my peers because I loved loud colors, eyeliner, Benetton, Drakkar Noir and my man crush Pete Burns, the frontman for the English pop band Dead or Alive.There wasn’t an abundance of safe spaces at that time. I had survived being a young Black man in the south and I was determined to prosper and survive this.
There are times to this day I feel that masculinity is in the eye of the viewer. Men now can go get their nails done without their masculinity being questioned. Men are now stay-at-home spouses and raise their children. Men are allowing themselves to wear kilts and makeup.
My blueprint to happiness led me down the road of being able to address toxic masculinity situations when and if they presented themselves. Indeed, I made mistakes along the way as you do when you’re learning to navigate within your journey to happiness, but I stood up for people who were being ridiculed for simply being themselves – including myself. Becoming openly gay freed me from my unhappiness, and encouraged me to live my life OUT LOUD!
Being Black and queer does have its advantages. We are now role models for others. Being open about how we live, love, and represent is our choice. Breaking down barriers and being unapologetic regarding how we are perceived is now someone else’s problem. Our goal now is to not only love each other, but to be out and free. Freedom to be is the ultimate ticket to happiness and I have embraced the journey. I do not allow others to put their sh** on me! Thanks Madonna! There remains work to be done as we fight to build a safer world. Loving your- self and others equals Freedom.
This story is part of ISSUE 05: Reimagining Masculinity. The magazine is available for purchase here.