Stories of Hope: Dicks, Dollars, Drag and Drugs
Queer Kentucky was built on a foundation of community. And as an organization that lives and breathes community, we are acutely aware of when our members are hurting. LGBTQ+ people are succumbing to substance use disorder at an alarming rate and Queer Kentucky is determined to loudly discuss this topic through a series of stories of hope and recovery. We hope to instill hope into those who think they cannot come back from the dis-ease of addiction. You can recover…we can recover.
In the Beginning Place
The 4 Ds: Dick, Dollars, Drag, and Drugs. This was my mantra in the 90s. The things I craved the most. Sobriety became a distant memory. I always thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t realize it was attached to a train. I would let nothing get in my way to get my fix. As with all addictions, they manifested themselves over time.
Before I shaved my eyebrows off or put on my first pair of stilettos, I was your typical kid playing with G.I. Joe’s, Star Wars, and He-Man figurines. No, I never played with Barbies or the like. Do not ask me what the male figurines were doing to each other. Use your imagination. I would produce little adventures that always turned out a little queer.
I always made sure my playtime with these characters was out of prying eyes. Somehow, I already knew it would be frowned upon. Do not get me wrong, my family had never specifically told me that it was wrong to be gay, yet I knew it was not the “norm.” I was a loner as a young child; for the most part. I felt myself was better company than others. No one to control the narrative or direction of the play. I was the writer, director, and choreographer.

Bryan Hall performs in Drag as Jacklyn State
Life changed dramatically when a new character was introduced to the script; enter my sister. Where I was once the apple of everyone’s eye, I became the one waiting in the wings. Imaginatively I created my own theater where I was center stage. Unless you were there to put me in the spotlight you were quickly dismissed.
It wasn’t until I attended middle school that I started to come out of my shell. Call it puberty or the need for acceptance and validation from my peers, I tried a way to fit in; participating in class with a barrage of flourished hand raising. Though my teachers were pleased, my classmates were not impressed. Quite the opposite. I was too eager to be the smartest and center of attention in the class; becoming the dreaded “know-it-all”. Out of spite I decided to stand my ground and added in a touch of “class clown.” Remembering my talents of manipulation and coercion, soon everyone was putty in my hand.
As I moved through middle school, I started to address my sexuality. I remember praying to God every night to rid me of my desires and to not make me “that way.” Obviously, that didn’t work, and I had a newfound distrust towards God; I turned my back. Not just on God but on myself as well. We were not friends for a long time.
Burning down the “Closet”
The year of seventh grade was pivotable in my character, personality, and sexuality. I developed my first crush with my best friend; we were inseparable. I spent more time at his house than my own. His family was very open-minded and progressive. They embraced all creative and intellectual pursuits. It was encouraged to be and think for yourself.
It was the 80s, and the culture was over the top. It was the time of the yuppies with their foreign toy cars, shady hedge funds, and piles of cocaine. Teenage preppies parading in suburban malls clad in Polo shirts, Eastland shoes, and Dooney & Bourke purses with their bangs jacked to Jesus. New Agers, forehead deep in astrology, thumping their Tarot cards and calling Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick for their fortune teller readings. The counterculture morbidly trudging about with spiky hair and dog collars donning layers of black clothing footed in Doc Martens. Lest we forget the nerds, head bangers, and break dancers. These labels spun into every genre; from fashion, lifestyle, demographics, music, cinema, and politics.

Bryan Hall performs in Drag as Jacklyn State
Even though gender bending was prevalent amongst certain arenas, homosexuality was still a hush-hush topic. HIV and AIDS brought it into the spotlight; not always a safe place to be. Especially for a young closeted gay boy like me. Equality still had a long way to go.
My grandmother was the first to approach me about my sexuality. According to her, she had known about me since I was five. She was an old fag hag from California after all. There was no denying it to her; she was my biggest fan and the only one I would even consider confiding in. We kept my secret safe for a few years. It wasn’t until high school that my closet would start to buckle and eventually burn down.
I attended a performing arts school associated with an accelerated scholastic high school. There, I studied courses in dance, visual arts, and university. I was able to become comfortable in my skin. Officially, I came out at the age of fourteen to my friends, siblings, and teachers. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I finally admitted it to my mother.
Once that happened, the closet was burned down in an inferno and the only thing left standing was me; naked and flaming in all my glory!
Down the Glitter Spiral
Attending a performing arts high school gave me every opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be, whenever I wanted to. I became quite accustomed to being in the spotlight. It was my drug of choice at the time.
During the summers of the last few years of high school, I worked at the most popular gay club in the city. It was a complex of several mini bars all under one roof. A piano bar for the casual clients to lounge and spill the Tea. The dance bar to lose yourself and move to your own beat. The crown jewel being the theater where the best of the best drag queens performed. I started taking tickets at the front door one year, then bar backing the next. Towards the end of senior year, I introduced myself to the drag scene. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage The Jezebel, Miss Jacklyn State!”
I couldn’t get enough of it! The glitz, the glamor, the attention, the newfound camaraderie, and the opportunity to be unapologetically myself. I found a new sense of strength and courage. A sense of belonging. This, of course, came with other influences. I started dabbling in an assortment of drugs. First marijuana, then cocaine, LSD, the list goes on. Alcohol wasn’t a big factor at this time. Not yet.

Bryan Hall in drag as Jacklyn State
It didn’t take long before I was in the grips of the lifestyle’s dark side. Before I knew it, only one of the 4 Ds really mattered. Drugs. I did what I had to do to acquire them. Some very unscrupulous things. I occasionally ended up homeless; bouncing from couch to couch or bed to bed. I manipulated my way through, rationalizing my behavior as honing my survival skills. I was delusional.
I found my way out of that scene, mostly because I made myself quite unwelcome. No one wanted to be at my party anymore. Pity party, party of one. I eventually ended up in a few rehabs, but I always relapsed. I quit the drugs and replaced them with alcohol. Alcohol will be a staple in my life for the next 28 years.
Sobriety
After a couple more careers, an eighteen-year toxic relationship, and a mental breakdown my dependence on the bottle had grown too strong. I had been a functioning alcoholic, until I wasn’t; eventually dropping my basket, breaking every egg.

Bryan Hall
My family and closest friend came to my aid, offering me an “invitation” to save my life. Willingly, I accepted defeat and threw my pride, ego, and self-will to the side. I took the hardest step in my life. I finally admitted that I wasn’t all powerful. That, in fact, I was powerless over not just drugs and alcohol, but my life. That my life had become unmanageable. I had to accept and say to myself, “Jacklyn, bitch, it’s time to change your way of thinking, so pick up your balls and put them in your bra. Pull up your big girl panties and put on your cha-chas for a new lifelong dance, one of sobriety; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.”
I have set out on this lifelong spiritual journey to be the best version of myself daily. The road will not always be easy. It will not always be paved in gold. Life will still get “lifey,” but I now have the tools to face it with hope and courage; without unnecessary fear and expectation. As Glenda the Good Witch said to Dorothy, “You’ve always had the power with you. You just needed to learn how to use it.”