‘I remember growing up in Hardin County and only being attracted to white boys who didn’t know I existed’

Jordan Williams, Hardin County

Queer to me means to exist in an unconventional way. It’s the giant umbrella of ppl that understand that we need a come ground to communicate about similar experiences but we don’t need to agree with one another to respect how some1 else lives/expresses themselves. It’s like a community barbecue you accidentally stumble upon and all the ppl are friendly. Queer is the non denamonational church you go to when u just need to speak with source in a safe environment. I don’t usually like to identify personally b/c I don’t like “boxes” and I don’t like feeling limited in who I am and all the ways to experience love and life. But if I had to I would say I identify as queer. 

I remember growing up the world told me I was gay before I even knew I was. My mannerisms mimicked the woman I clung to a little too much for everyone else. “Why do you stand with your feet pointing inward, how come your wrist bend when you put them down” after awhile you ignore when females slip up and call you “giirrrl” in the middle of gossip. But all the boys wanna be Cool cause you got all the pretty friends and know they secrets 🤷🏿‍♂️💁🏿‍♂️. I remember growing up in Hardin County and only being attracted to white boys who didn’t know I existed. I wanted nothing to do with black guys let alone black gays. It was all just too problematic for me. However when I went to the University of Louisville the story literally switched. I saw a new image of what the black male is/could be and I fell in love. Black love. Don’t get me wrong I’ll never turn my back on love in any form it comes in but; in the process of learning and loving myself as a young black man I realized the kind of love I’m looking for is more than likely coming from another black male 

To anyone struggling with their identify I would say breathe. Take your time.  Smoke a bowl. But most importantly find a supportive safe friend/group that will allow you to figure out who you are and be that person unapologetically. One of my best friends who helped me in high school when I use to convince myself I was trade told me “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.” She had to remind me that over and over and over again until I slowly started to not care how hard my hips swish when I walk, or how high pitched my voice gets when I’m excited, or my admiration for the feminine. And once it didn’t matter to me the ones that mattered just started fallin in line or out of my life 

I describe my sexual expression or gender performance as the daddy that went to court to fight for custody and never misses a soccer game or violin recital, with a dash of drunk/high aunty who lets you smoke and drink in the basement. My aesthetic is bald headed daddy beard with Cardi-B press ons 🤷🏿‍♂️. Literally. Get you somebody that can do both. 

I honestly don’t know too much about the queer community. My experiences unfortunately were connected to social networking/dating/hookup apps and such so my perspective is somewhat limited. 

Unfortunately I see the same issues in the gay community as in every other community. A lack of knowledge & respect for self as well as others, an obsession with reality and not what is real, colorism, capitalism, hell all them other isms we made up as an excuse to not talk about the real reason I’m up at 3am on Grindr with no profile picture or info talking bout looking for friends and long term relationships. How sway??? And I feel the only way to solve the problem is the same as in every other community or modern institution. Tear down and reform anything the white man “established” and start all over🤷🏿‍♂️. 

Mainstream gay culture isn’t curated for little black queer boys like me. I was sold dreams of white knights on white horses but  they only like Mandingos and BBC. Gays tend to be more prejudice than str8s if u ask me. No fats. No fems. Like imma thick nigga who loves Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj. Like my favorite movie is dream girls. But I love being in nature. I love exploring shit. Given a YouTube tutorial I can fix/build just about anything. Sis, period, and biiiiiiiitch are my fav pronouns. At the same time it’s like… “yea I’m in his guts but he in mine too” type shit. I feel mainstream Gay culture wants me to wear heels and a wig and a dress and compete with the cis female but it’s like… Know thy limits. 

And in no way am I bashing anyone for expressing themselves but mainstream culture has become saturated with dated stereotypes of who the black queer male is and he ain’t me and ain’t never been me. So I gotta figure out who I am and be him. So the next generation can feel free enough to do the same 

My safe place is my bathroom. I can get away with smoking indoors in a bathroom. I can get away from ppl in a bathroom. Great acoustics for singing. And there’s usually always a mirror…I like mirrors 

I was raised by Mary J. Blidge, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, and India Arie. I studied the teachings of Baba Dick Gregory, Dr.Sebi, Elijah Muhammad and Louis Farrakhan; I learned how to eat to live, health really is wealth, and the Black Woman is GOD, but I also like ratchet tv, and I tend to benge watch beauty  guru drama and tarot readings on YouTube. But mostly my life has been influenced by all the ppl and things that made my head and heart speak the same language. I must say I have been blessed with some amazing souls in the form of friendships. The type that teach you blood and water both drip. Overall tho I’m influenced by what resonates w/me.