Queer Kentucky x Louisville Magazine: Finding asexual self-love with Ami C
by Ami C. she/her
New York City
Queer Kentucky has partnered with Louisville Magazine for our fourth print issue. We asked Louisvillians and Kentuckians at large about their queerness and its relationship to the city, where they feel at home, who was there for them when it felt like nobody else was, the biggest issues facing Louisville’s queer communities, and much more. We would love it if you — whether you live in Louisville or not — would answer the questions too. If you’d like to, you can find the interview here. In this issue, you will find stories of Queer Kentuckians telling tales of their beloved safe spaces, paying tribute to the loved ones who uplifted them when no one else would, laughing about their coming out stories, and so much more. Kentucky, and Louisville, have a lot of work left to do when it comes to embracing the queer community. But hey, it’s not as bad as people think it is. Read on, you’ll see. You can purchase the print version of this issue here.
Trigger warning: mention of suicide.
Who was there for you when it felt like nobody else was?
When I was high school, I was suicidal with minor attempts.
I would say there’s a lot of different aspects of my life that drove me so far into depression. I am a Chinese American woman, who’s asexual, but most distinctly was one out of four openly atheist students at my school. I say this because, from seventh grade to being a freshman in high school, the majority of the bullying and harassment I would get would be because of my non-religious beliefs.
The earliest memory I have of an all-body wave of frustration was when our classmate AJ was leaning up from his alphabetically assigned seat behind Brooke, and he was whispering,‘You’re going to die in Hell. You piece of shit, God hates you and everything you do.’ I couldn’t take how much harassment we took because no adult would ever put effort into helping us. Brooke has been through thick and thin with me — she was there when I was at my lowest, back in the mid-2010s — and she’s still been an amazing supportive friend that’s kept me going. Love you, babe!
Besides your own house — or the house of family or friends — what Louisville place makes you feel at home?
I had a favorite Steak ’n Shake location in Louisville, near Meijer, that would be where most of my high school hangouts would be. My father’s office in downtown Louisville was also a kind of home in my much younger part of my life. When my school would let me out, but my dad wasn’t off work yet, it was where I would play around and see a sliver of what my dad’s life was like outside our house. I would also say, even though you mention not the house of a friend: My best friend Brooke is a fundamental part of what I consider home. I love her to the moon and back!
Who was the person you chose to come out to?
I came out to my friends very early on in my life, as early as sixth grade. It wasn’t a huge problem, mostly because either people didn’t know what asexuality was or felt like being asexual means you’re not straight but also not queer. So, a lot of folks never really had any different reactions due to that. When I came out the first time when there were heavy emotional stakes, that was when I came out to my dad. We were in an argument when it happened. I was invited to visit my male friend’s family in California, but my father was adamant that it’s impossible for a male and a woman to stay under the same roof without having sexual intercourse. And in that moment, I felt the ‘fight or flight’ guttural feeling of: I have to tell him.
I remember instantly bawling, while stuttering, ‘I’m not normal. I’m not interested in people that way.’ To try to speak to my Chinese father about his youngest baby daughter and something he’ll never understand. I had considered telling him for years, looked up the direct translated characters, even though I couldn’t read it — all I could do was just use links and translated pages to try and open up to my father. Words that I cannot read. Everything about myself was dependent on auto-translated pages and paragraphs. We haven’t talked about it since, but that day I left the house until I screamed and cried my whole life’s anxieties out of me.
What piece of art — a book, a painting, a movie, a TV show, etc. — means the most to you?
One Piece and Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, both in manga form. In the fastest way to say this: Monkey D. Luffy, the main character, is one of my biggest inspirations but also is my one asexual-coded character that has changed my life deeply. Nausicaa, on the other hand, was an asexual-coded character that changed my perspective of the beauty and importance of various aspects of life. Both have heavily touched me and helped me in my life.
