Blue Balls: Tales of Romance of a Black Non-Binary femme (with a penis)
Tinder is so Shady
So, let me tell you why tinder is shady af! On the dating app users are allowed to choose from a plethora of gender identities and even can customize their own identities (I think), but the real tea is that even after all that tinder still asks whether or not I would like to show up in among the men or the women – wtf! The whole point of me being non-binary is because sometimes I feel like both genders and sometimes one more than the other. So why, after like 15 long seconds of scrolling to find the choice Non-Binary femme would I conceded to either male or female? So, tinder you can piss off with your faux-inclusivity- ‘witcha shady ass’!
Like people be saying some rude shit
- Are you’re a she-male? (Wtf is this the 1970’s)
- Do you cross-dress? (Nah, nigga not for you)
- Have you had “The Surgery”? (What surgery?? I had a cyst removed 5 years ago is that what your referring to? P.S It grew backL)
- You’d be cute if you weren’t built like a linebacker. (Y’all I’m not about to lie that shit stung frfr)
I get this ‘bs’ all the time! I usually just clapback with some witty retort, but that last one stung a little too much for me to be witty. As, I have grown into a more feminine aspect of myself I’ve noticed how “masculine” my physique is. And I question myself all the time -Insert internalized femmephobia here- can I possess a body like mine and truly be femminine.
Why do I feel the need to out myself and what exactly am I outing?
So, recently I tried something new and I switched my tinder profile gender to show up among “women”. I did this as a start to explore this new femme part of myself. And surprisingly I got more matches among straight men compared to gay men on my tinder. But, the whole time I felt like I had to “out” myself. I’m already out everyone knows my gender identity and sexual orientation it’s not something I hide, but that wasn’t it. I felt like I had to hide the fact that I had a penis- it’s crazy that a simple piece of anatomy would disqualify me from femmehood- a status I have tried so hard to attain. I need explore what femininity could mean for me, but that’s story for another day.
How do I date? How do I hookup? Is dating and hookup culture only for people who abide by the gender binary?
So, the tea is that I don’t know how to navigate the dating world in a way that all of my identity is acknowledged. Everyone I meet wants something different other than me. For instance, some want me to be feminine and wear femme artifice at all times and others refuse to acknowledge my gender identity at all and pretend I’m cis. I just want to be seen as me- whatever me that is or will be.
End of Rant
As you can tell I’ve been ranting throughout this whole thing. I just wanna know if there is a place for me – a place for people like me. I’m tired of always having to deconstruct then oppressive modes of our society just to understand why something as simple as dating is hard for me. I hate always having to be hyper-aware about my situated place in society. The constant awareness of my blackness, my fatness, my femmeness, and my overall otherness and the awareness that none of these thing are “good” in a white supremacist society. I’m tired of my body being policed. I’m tired of being told I’m not good enough, thin enough, white enough, femme enough. I wanna be me and whatever the fuck that means.
A look at Queer white supremacy
White supremacy and racial oppression are the cornerstones that have built Western civilization. No matter what, as long as you are black these things will perform against you.
This article is an excerpt of a thesis paper I wrote in defense of how white supremacy performs in the LGBTQ+ community. Throughout the article I focus on issues of racism with a focus on black folk (specifically male aligned).
White supremacy is a distortive, harmful lens and practice that transcends gender, sexuality, and class.
George Yancy in his essay, Black Bodies and the Myth of Post racial America, briefly defines the term White Gaze. “The white gaze then is a site of racist sedimentation that viciously operates in the present.” Yancy was specifically talking about how the “white gaze” operates in a lens of distortion via racism against black bodies.
White supremacy and racial oppression are entities that cross intersectional bounds. In terms of sexuality and the LGBT+ movement and community, white supremacy and racial oppression is sadly a prominent figure. We see white supremacy perform in various ways.
The most famous, would be the erasure of the work and legacies of Queer and Trans people of color. For instance Marsha P. Johnson And Sylvia Rivera both of whom are vanguards of the LGBTQ+ movement whose work and lives were
disregarded and erased, but now are coming to light.
In the realm of anti-blackness, we see the fetishization of black Queer bodies and also observe how the “white gaze” distorts black bodies into modes of eroticism as well.
For instance, within the LGBT+ community (and actually outside of it) there is a myth and culture around black men being well endowed, or as I like to call it, BBCC (Big Black Cock Culture). This is a culture that is harmful for black men (Straight or Queer) because it creates a false narrative that we as black men somehow have to attain to be desirable.
Another, harmful facet of this culture that I have noticed is that their seems to be this want of Black men (queer men in particular) to attain to a being of hyper-masculinity to be attractive or desirable to the racist “white gaze.”
I believe this demonstrates that BBC culture is derived from the age-old Mandingo narratives that are rooted in the animalistic fallacies of black bodies.
The lens of the “white gaze,” positions black Queer men in servitude and/or
dehumanization. This culture performs vibrantly in the online dating realm via dating sites and apps.
Take case in point, a lot of non- black people will have in their dating app bios phrases such as, “BBC Only,” “Jungle Fever,” “Down with the Swirl,” and many other racists iterations. In short, their racist “white gaze” phrases reduce black people to their skin color while ignoring their humanity. This is thought as permissible to them.
In making the case on how the “white gaze” distorts and redacts black bodies I am arguing that BBC culture is a form of eroticism.
I have noticed through personal experience as a black male aligned person and through the shared experiences of peers, that a lot of white men seek black men because they believe we have “BBCs” and are “good” in bed (which I would equate their use of “good” with primal/animalistic because that seems to be the conations of their usage).
To briefly expand on another idea called “white common sense” which works in tandem with the “white gaze.” Linda Alcoff, explains white common sense as, “a part of the backdrop of practical consciousness, circulating, from the bottom up as well as the top down” White common sense is the instinctual attitude and cognitive process of white folks.
In other words, this is how white people are able to perpetuate negative stereotypes about black bodies and white common sense is the mode of operation in which they enact the “white gaze”.
To provide perspective, I offer this as evidence to my previous stated claims.
On Pornhub, a popular pornography website that can be accessed by anyone, there is a porn series entitled “Thug watcher.” What happens in these episodes is that a group of white men cruise (which is also a term in gay male hookup culture) around the “Hood” looking/hunting for a “thuggish” black man to have sexual intercourse with.
This is exoticism/fetishization at its finest. When I found this out I first noticed the parallels of a “hunt” and that black men are seen as exotic animals meant to hang as ornaments in the collective conscious of white supremacy.
The white gaze and white common sense completely distorts, destroys, and sometimes refuses to acknowledge the humanity of black bodies. These modes give no reprieve and ask no questions and continue to allow white folk to believe and perpetuate the racist fallacies surrounding black queer bodies.